I was checking on the blogs I follow new posts this morning and came across a truly inspirational post by Courtney from With Gratitude. Although my story isn’t quite like hers, her post did give me the strength to post about a struggle that affects me and my relationships every day. I have gone deep a few times with my blog and shared some personal details but overall I keep it fun and pretty. I guess like others say that sort of gives a false perception because all our lives aren’t roses and rainbows, we all have struggles be it emotional, physical illness, or whatever. So without further beating around the bush let me get into it…
A struggle that I have had with any relationship since I can remember is trust. When it comes to being funny and witty and spilling my life I usually will to a point but when it comes to intimate relationships that spilling stops and all my trust issues come out. Mainly this is only with my romantic relationships but I can see where it affects me in other areas also, like my regular friendships. Along time ago I guess you would have called me too trusting. Well I learned my lesson on that from being burned again and again by boyfriends. Now it is a struggle for me to trust a man that is a huge part of my life and the worst part is that I have no reason to not trust him.
I feel a little crazy because my mind is constantly wondering and analyzing to the point of insanity. I am always looking for a reason to not trust and you know what people when you look for something you are always going to find it even if it isn’t there. Your little human brain is going to see something and twist it and turn it into what you want to believe. This is what I have been doing with my current relationship. The weekend was my breaking point when once again I gave into this no trusting issue and snooped. All you girls know exactly what I am talking about it’s the stupid technology these days and the cell phone. I know we all have done it sometime or another I am sure. Of course I see something that makes my heart sink but never go any further, I start acting weird, and then not being able to keep any sort of secret… I confess my sin of snooping. I cry trying to understand why I do this. I have the same things on my phone but on his its worse? That isn’t fair, we all have friends and we all have friends of the opposite sex that have played big parts in our lives. Like normal relationships we keep contact. I tell him and myself that I have to cure this thing that I have.
So that’s what I am doing I am making it public knowledge that I have trust issues and they are now effecting my current relationship, a relationship that I care so much about and don’t want to mess up. I have to hold myself accountable and realize all the great things I have. I can’t keep searching for some reason to not make this work when really I am only scared and insecure. If I don’t get past this I am going to push all this love that I have right out the front door and it will be gone…the one thing I am so afraid of happening. Isn’t that crazy? The one thing that I am so terrified of and is the reason I have this issue is the one thing that is going to happen because of it. IRONY! This is a huge wakeup call and I am going to overcome this battle. I have been dealing with it for years now. At times, yes, there was just reason to feel this way but when there isn’t a just reason I don’t need to go in search of one. I need to live each day in the present and quite analyzing everything so much that I complicate it. The person I am with is simple and doesn’t complicate things with a bunch of details; he is trustworthy, and brutally honest. I need to remember that and continue telling myself these things and this too shall pass.
Do you have trust issues?
How do you not let them affect your current relationships and how do you get past it?
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