Life's little trials

I was checking on the blogs I follow new posts this morning and came across a truly inspirational post by Courtney from With Gratitude. Although my story isn’t quite like hers, her post did give me the strength to post about a struggle that affects me and my relationships every day. I have gone deep a few times with my blog and shared some personal details but overall I keep it fun and pretty. I guess like others say that sort of gives a false perception because all our lives aren’t roses and rainbows, we all have struggles be it emotional, physical illness, or whatever. So without further beating around the bush let me get into it…

A struggle that I have had with any relationship since I can remember is trust. When it comes to being funny and witty and spilling my life I usually will to a point but when it comes to intimate relationships that spilling stops and all my trust issues come out. Mainly this is only with my romantic relationships but I can see where it affects me in other areas also, like my regular friendships. Along time ago I guess you would have called me too trusting. Well I learned my lesson on that from being burned again and again by boyfriends. Now it is a struggle for me to trust a man that is a huge part of my life and the worst part is that I have no reason to not trust him.

I feel a little crazy because my mind is constantly wondering and analyzing to the point of insanity. I am always looking for a reason to not trust and you know what people when you look for something you are always going to find it even if it isn’t there. Your little human brain is going to see something and twist it and turn it into what you want to believe. This is what I have been doing with my current relationship. The weekend was my breaking point when once again I gave into this no trusting issue and snooped. All you girls know exactly what I am talking about it’s the stupid technology these days and the cell phone. I know we all have done it sometime or another I am sure. Of course I see something that makes my heart sink but never go any further, I start acting weird, and then not being able to keep any sort of secret… I confess my sin of snooping. I cry trying to understand why I do this. I have the same things on my phone but on his its worse? That isn’t fair, we all have friends and we all have friends of the opposite sex that have played big parts in our lives. Like normal relationships we keep contact. I tell him and myself that I have to cure this thing that I have.

So that’s what I am doing I am making it public knowledge that I have trust issues and they are now effecting my current relationship, a relationship that I care so much about and don’t want to mess up. I have to hold myself accountable and realize all the great things I have. I can’t keep searching for some reason to not make this work when really I am only scared and insecure. If I don’t get past this I am going to push all this love that I have right out the front door and it will be gone…the one thing I am so afraid of happening. Isn’t that crazy? The one thing that I am so terrified of and is the reason I have this issue is the one thing that is going to happen because of it. IRONY! This is a huge wakeup call and I am going to overcome this battle. I have been dealing with it for years now. At times, yes, there was just reason to feel this way but when there isn’t a just reason I don’t need to go in search of one. I need to live each day in the present and quite analyzing everything so much that I complicate it. The person I am with is simple and doesn’t complicate things with a bunch of details; he is trustworthy, and brutally honest. I need to remember that and continue telling myself these things and this too shall pass.

Do you have trust issues?

How do you not let them affect your current relationships and how do you get past it?

What's that...?

earthy smell,

dew on the grass early in the morning,

a cool breeze blowing through my open windows

 the signs Fall is well on its way.

Fight for Happiness

Found this quote on Pintrest and thought it was really great!

Fall TV

Ok so I am addicted to certain TV shows way more than what should be considered normal. LOL I feel like such a loser because I HAVE to watch certain shows.  I feel like I should be doing something more useful with my time.  Usually that is the case because I need to be doing homework but I have a few TV shows that I have been with from the get go and I just can't give them up. 

1. ANYTHING Kardashian: and tonight is the first part of Kim's fairytale wedding.  I love the Kardashians and even though they are real materialistic and Hollywood I think they are great role models and are very hard working.  I am so excited to see the final part of Kim's wedding tomorrow night.  :)
SWOON

2. Gossip Girl- I got hooked on this show in Iraq and have watched every episode since birth.  I love all the scandal.  Its a soap for my generation LOL.  and this season BLAIR is preggers and this week we will hopefully find out who the baby daddy is.

3. Vampire Diaries- In the off season of True Blood is Vampire Diaries and it at least tides me over.  It is a great show and always has a lot of twists and turns.  I am currently reading the first book in the Vampire Diaries series.  Damon is so hott so that doesn't hurt things either.  :)

4. My last and final MUST SEE show is the Amazing Race.  I have been watching this show for years and like I always so...one day I will be on this show.  I love it.  All the adventure and traveling...I can never get enough.

Courageous

Last night my mom invited me to go see a movie today called Courageous.  I hadn't ever heard of it so this morning on one of my study breaks I watched the trailer and sort of got an idea of what I was in for this afternoon.  I met Mom at the Winnsboro Chamber around 12:30 and we took off to the Sulphur Springs theater.  The movie was so awesome and came from the same people who made the Christian movie Fireproof.  I think the only dry eyes in the house were my own. LOL I am not a parent nor a father but this movie is moving and really opens your eyes to God and to being a parent.  If you haven't ever heard of it then I have posted the trailer and I suggest that you go check it out.  I think that every man should watch this movie and it would be a great movie for new daddys or for fixing-to-be daddys.  I know I will make sure the father of my children watch it.  I tell you its an eye opener.  Thanks Mom for inviting me!

Check it out!

A Night on the Town

Miss Thang

Averie is my amazing niece, who I can never get enough of.  Just just turned 4 at the end of September and she just keeps on getting cuter and cuter.  Thursday she wanted to come play with me and Lincoln so Mom dropped her by the bank on her way to Caleb's ball game.  She helped me work for the last 15 minutes of the day and then we were off to Winnsboro.  We grilled out and played wiffle ball, ate apples ( that's about all she will eat), took a bath, watched Land Before Time, ate popcorn, and then it was time to go back to Nana's.  We had so much fun and as always she is a hoot to be around. 

Hercules taking watch making sure he doesn't miss a thing.  NOSEY

Below are a few other pictures that I am finally getting around to posting of Averie. 

Grocery shopping for cookie fixings with Magan back in March (LOL) instead of calling me Megan she says MAGAN.  Winnsboro Brookshires has these mini shopping carts for the kids and they are adorable.  Just her size.

Back in June jumping on the trampoline in her Tinkerbell get up.  I rigged one of Nana's bras to keep her wings strapped on LOL!!!!! 

"What I'm just back here chilling in my seat with my upside down shades on the way to Nana's!"
She knows she is cool.

Love Is Patient

Patience is not something that comes to me easy.  I have to work at it everyday of my life and only after falling down several times and getting back up do I finally learn a lesson.  As you all know or if you don't, my boyfriend Lincoln and I have been together about 6 months.  We are going really slow and living each day for what it is.  We have both been set on fire burned in the past so we have a lot of walls to break down before we eventually get to each other's enter core, but there's no rush.  I love getting to know another piece of him each day and I am sure that even after your married for 40 years you still learn about each other.  This weekend was a major learning experience for us.  Without getting into the details there was anger and tears and hugs and kisses and long talks and we both learned about each other.  I know that these things come in each relationship and you just talk about it and then you know for the next time.  I mean we aren't all mind readers right, what fun would that be?  Anyways I had an emotional weekend and Lincoln and I are that much closer.  I found this quote on Pintrest the other night and I thought it went well.  Not EVERY verse fits but it explains relationships pretty well and reminded me of patience.  When its worth it and your happy its important to have as many as you can scrounge up.  LOL  After our weekend this fit us and made me realize that we will never be perfect but as long as we keep communicating and breaking through some of our walls one day or one experience at a time it's going to keep on going and in the end be AMAZING!!!

Something that I can't believe that I haven't blogged about is my latest ink addition.  It isn't so new anymore seeing that I got my latest and LAST (mother) tattoo in March but seeing what this post is about it fit to finally put it out there.  I had been wanting a tattoo on my wrist for some time but never went and done it.  In March I made the executive decision and headed out to Longview.  It took about 10 minutes and I also got one on my foot redone into something new and way better.  I love my heart on my foot and it fits way better than what I had previously.  Anyways I got my wrist tattoo in a light pink.  It says Love is Patient in Arabic.  Yes, I know ironic that I got part of a Christian Bible verse in a Arabic but it means so much to me....Let me explain.  I thought when I left Iraq I would never look back and totally block out that period in my life but to be honest that was one of the greatest times in my life.  I learned and went through so much it transformed me into the woman I am today.  I am totally independent and happy in myself.  Before I depended on the ideals of America and what I thought was going to make me happy now I know that I MAKE ME happy and ever since I realized that I have been the happiest I have ever been.  This also has carried over into my relationship with Lincoln, this is the first relationship where I have actually gone into it without holding on to the train while it was still going sort of thing.  I was totally happy with myself and now I have the happiest relationship I have ever had in my life.  I guess all those things my Mom has been telling me for years really are true ;)!! GO FIGURE!!  Anyways, Iraq was a great time in my life and it opened my eyes to so many paths but mostly to love and that you can't rush it.  It is kind, it isn't boastful, or arrogant, LOVE IS PATENT!  Now every time I see that scribble of a language on my wrist it is a constant reminder of the greatness that came from the Middle East and how I always need to remember what it says. 

Signs of Fall

It is finally cooling off here and I think the cool mornings and cool evenings are going to become a permanent deal around here.  No more hot for us!  Today Kaylynn and I went to Texarkana and I got a jump start on Christmas shopping and I am so excited about what I got.  I don't know how I am going to keep it a secret until Christmas.  :)  We also got some camo for hunting season.  I am so excited that Lincoln is going to take me hunting this year so hopefully I will be bringing home the deer and not the bacon.  Anyways have a great week!